A Daydream Away
by sandy2x400
Summary: "You're just a daydream away; I wouldn't know what to say if I had you." After a big fight, you realize just how much of her heart you actually have. Can you convince her your feelings are real? James/Lily.


"_And I'll keep you a daydream away just watch from a safe place__, s__o I never have to lose."_

A Daydream Away

Oneshot

You realized eventually that she didn't love you. Maybe it was after a huge fight or maybe it was during it. You don't really know. All you know is that one day you woke up and realize she didn't love you quite like you always wanted her to. Maybe it was her eyes – the furious anger that always looked so bloody attractive just looked hurt and sad and destroyed. The red cheeks you longed to kiss didn't look very cute anymore; rather, they looked like she was about to cry. Ironic that the same day you realize she didn't love you, you realized that you never really loved her. It's quite a slap in the face to realize that all those times you thought you were _oh-so suave_ and _so cool_ you were actually just digging a knife deeper and deeper in her heart.

It definitely feels awkward taking a step back, especially when you never realized you were close to her. Sometimes, you thought you were miles and miles away from her heart, and your words didn't even make a dent on her heart. And sometimes, you thought you were just outside the perimeter of heart, trying to find an entrance you know she left you. But now, you think that maybe you have been in her heart the whole time, but not in the good way. Not in the way that made it lighter or make it beat faster. But rather, your residency there could be compared to that annoying tenant that destroys your walls and couches and chairs and then claims that it was already like that when you moved in.

It's a frightening, horrible, heartbreaking revelation that just makes you numb, and actually makes you cry a bit. Not any full out brawling or sobbing, but just a couple tears that escape as your mind pictures her empty eyes and her red hair and how you wish she never let you in her heart because at least then, she wouldn't be in pain.

Your own heart keeps stopping. Your own eyes keep fading out, seeing memories and pain and tears and faraway words and stupid promises and horrible insults. Your own breath is gone, coming back at rather spurts that make you clutch your chest as if you're having an attack.

It takes you a while to realize that you are against a tree – a tree that witnessed another fight, another heartbreak, another broken wall – and that you have been facing the lake for hours and that Sirius is right next to you and he's not saying a word but his shoulder is pressed against yours and he is staring at the same water you were. If it was anyone else, you would probably rub your face until it was red, denying any tears or depression. But it is him, and he's your best mate; your brother. And that he understands, even if you don't.

Two hours later you are on a train back to London, saying goodbye until you can see Hogwarts's doors again in three months. You don't want to think that next year will be your last year. You don't want to think about the future or about life or about her. You don't want to think about how there won't be any excuse to see her after you graduate. You don't want to think that you will never see her again in a little more than a year.

Sirius claps a hand on your shoulder and you crack a joke, because now Remus and Peter are there and they get laughter and Marauders and everything has to be okay. Remus can see though you; Peter doesn't want to see the sadness, so he doesn't. He laughs and you feel a little better. Remus doesn't say a word and that makes you feel worse. Sirius tries to ignore and not ignore it at the same time, and you don't know how that makes you feel.

Three hours in the train ride, you stand up, claiming you need to stretch your legs and that you rather do it alone. Remus nods, Peter smiles, Sirius frowns. But you ignore them all. Your feet guide you and you are in front of her compartment before you can even think about it. Through the glass, you see her best friend sitting on the floor, head on her knee and you see her other friend talking animatedly about something or another with a big ol' smile. And you see her – trying to smile back and succeeding somewhat and running her hands through her friend's hair, and you feel like a fool.

_Tap, tap, tap._

The other friend trails off, looking at who tapped against the window. The other two look as well. You see all of their eyes light up with anger, but you only really notice hers – how it doesn't look like anger anymore, but rather defeat. You slide open the door since none of them are apparently going to, and you get attacked by two girls.

"What the fuck do you want, Potter?"

"Please go away. Lily does not want to talk to you."

She says nothing. She looks out the window, suddenly holding herself stronger and watching as the green grass outside flutters from the intensity of the train. "Can I please have a moment with her?" your voice seems to foreign to your ears, and apparently, also to their ears because they look taken aback. They both turn to her, but she doesn't look away from the green. One of the friends looks at you with a bit lip and hesitant eyes.

"I think you should go." She says in a softer voice.

You shake your head stubbornly. "Please?" it sounds like you are whining. And you feel so stupid, but you won't leave until you can talk to her. The other girl doesn't want to leave though, and the one who might leave won't leave until she says it's okay. "Please, Evans. Lily." She freezes and for a second, no one says anything and finally, she nods at her friends, eyes still tracing the horizon.

And you feel horrible, because you realize you're still in her heart. And it kills you.

When you are alone, you swallow deeply and you feel tired. You're so fucking tired of life and hurting her. You don't even go to her. You don't even take a step. "I'm sorry." You blurt out, and it's surprising enough for her to look away, and you realize she's about to cry. Her green eyes are glassier than normal, and it breaks your everything.

"W-what?"

"I'm sorry." You repeat a little stronger this time, but your cheeks are really red and blotchy because you can feels tears come up. "I'm sorry. So fucking sorry, and you may not believe me, but I am. I never meant to hurt you, Evans. I swear to…Merlin or God or whoever. I swear to whoever made us. Whoever made magic. I never meant to hurt you. I thought you didn't care. I thought it didn't matter to you. I thought I meant nothing."

She scoffs at you and looks away. "Oh please. Potter, you always think you mean something."

"Not to you." And it sounds so sad in your ears that it makes you feel like a jackass. She freezes again.

"I don't love you." She whispers.

"I know." You whisper back. "I don't…I don't love you either, Evans." You close your eyes to not have to see her reaction. But you know she will only believe this next part if you are looking at her. "But I want to." Her eyes are too wide and too scared and too confused. "I would give anything to love you. I would give up everything to love you, and I'm too young to think this way and we're not even graduated yet and I always fuck things up, but I want to fall in love with you. I want to buy you flowers and I want you to accept them. I want to stress over asking you out, but have you say yes for once. I want to buy you presents and have you argue about money. I want you to kiss me without me having to kiss you first. I want you. I want to love you. And I'm so sorry for messing that up."

She's crying now, but she doesn't want to so she faces the window. You swallow again before sitting down across from her, but far away that you don't touch. You bury your head in your hands. "Why would you do that, Potter?" she eventually asks. You shrug, knowing what she's talking about. "Get out." She says, suddenly furious. Her eyes are spilling with tears and her face is red, and it breaks your heart that's what you see when you open your eyes.

"I'm sorry." You repeat, finally looking her in the eyes. She falters. "I wish I could take it back." You say slowly, your eyes sincere and sad and serious.

She looks bewildered and she leans back in the seat, looking at your warily with tears in her eyes. "Why should I believe you?"

"Because it's the truth and I know you know that. Because I'm an idiot. Because why the hell did Marlene have to tell me you had feelings for me in front of a crowd? Because I don't know how to control myself around you. Because you bring out the insecurity in me."

"You call making a scene insecurity?" her voice is bitter; angry.

"I call it…I thought she was lying and instead of believing her, I made a joke because I thought that would be better than getting my hopes up. But then I saw your face and…" you trail off because she's red again and she's biting her quivering lips. Suddenly, you're wondering just how long she has fancied you and can you fix this. You hope you can fix this, just to make her okay again. "I didn't mean to hurt you." You repeat in a faraway voice.

She doesn't answer and you take your chances. You go to her side of the compartment and sit next to her, angling your body so you are half seated, half in the air. She doesn't look away from the grass and you don't look away from her. She looks even prettier up close. She looks like a painting that someone forgot to appreciate. Beautiful in that way beauty should be defined. The tears rolling down her cheeks leave streaks that drive him crazy. Your hands go on their own accord, and he's suddenly trying to balance himself instead of just sitting down with courage.

She jumps but still does not look at him when your fingers trace the streaks and wipes them away. You bring you hand to her turned cheek, rubbing your thumb softly up and down her skin. "If I would have known it was true, I would have done everything differently." You say in a gentle voice. "But at the same time, it opened my eyes. Your face. The way you were looking at me." The next part hurts to say and it takes you a second, and when you finally say it, your voice breaks. "I never really respected you." She looks hurt, but she doesn't slap your hand away. "But I want to. I don't want to play these games anymore. I don't want to treat you the way I have in the past. I want to be a good guy for you." Your voice sounds too soft, but you cannot speak any higher or it will hurt.

She reaches up and wipes her eyes, pushing your hands away slightly. Her knee goes up as well, pressing against her chest protectively. For a while, you stay like that, your hand going back to helping you balance yourself, until finally it is too uncomfortable and you are just sitting. She pulls the other knee up when you do and puts that one against her chest as well. She hugs her legs and puts her head down, and you hesitantly put your arm around her shoulder. You expect a fight but she doesn't say anything. Moving closer to her, you feel relieved in a way you haven't felt in a really long time. Her head is pressing against your chest and your fingers are intertwined in her hair and you are hiding her from the world. Your other hand wounds around her front and you just hold her. For hours.

_LJ_

Hours later, you are home and Sirius is right next to you, and you remember you sorta hate him because he broke the Marauder's honor by _almost murdering someone_, but at the moment, you are too beat to care. Your heart hurts too much. "Maybe you should just sleep on it." Sirius advises, and you nod.

You try to sleep, but it doesn't go very well. Around three in the morning, you sit down and write a letter.

_Lily,_

_I wish my words were enough. I wish you would believe me when I said I was sorry. I wish I never heard those words come from Marlene's mouth. I wish today hadn't have happened. I wish you would have told me. I wish that in that wish I wouldn't screw that up either. But I probably would have. _

_I don't know how to make things alright, but it's killing me. I want to fix this. _

_-J_

You send it because you are brave and you are a Gryffindor, goddamn it. Twenty minutes later, your owl comes back and it surprises you, but you go. Your heart is beating too fast and it feels ready to explode. You open up your letter once more, and you think maybe she just sent it back without reading it until you see a couple words on the bottom.

_Can you sneak out?_

A smile goes to your lips before you can stop it, and you suddenly feel so much lighter. You still want to cry but not at the same time.

_I'm a Marauder, aren't I?  
>Any reason why though?<em>

Twenty minutes later, you have her answer.

_Come here. 245 Victoria Street, Surrey. _

For a second, you wonder how. You're not seventeen so can't Apparate. She's not from a magical family so Floo out. You decide at the end to just fly there. What's the worst that can happen? (You get caught by muggles on a flying broomstick and you get sent to the Ministry and suddenly, oops, expelled. Or worse, you get caught by your mother.)

You take your chance anyways.

You stay in the clouds, successfully wetting your clothes and making your hair flat. By the time you get to Surrey it is reading five in the morning, and you hope she's still awake. You find her house rather awkwardly; you don't know which window is hers. But apparently it doesn't matter, because she is on a swing, laying down with a thin blanket over her body, her eyes closed and her fingers clutching a quill. You walk as softly as you can towards her, but her eyes flutter open. "You came?" her voice is hoarse and surprise.

"Yeah." You whisper back, leaning your broom against the side of the house.

She sits up, her long hair curly and tangled, and her eyes sleepy and faraway. You shove your hands in your damp pockets and she runs her hand awkwardly though her locks. "Did you mean what you said on the train?" she asks, making you jump. Swallowing hard, you nod and turn to her. "Why should I give you another chance?"

She doesn't say it angrily or meanly; she almost says it like she wants you to give her an actual answer. "Because I want to love you, and I think that's more important than falling in love with someone by mistake. I will put so much effort in this because I want to. Because you are everything I've ever wanted, but I haven't treated you like that yet, and I think that I could make you feel loved. Because I'm a prat but I'll try really hard. Because I don't give a shit that you're a muggleborn and I don't care that your friends hate me. Because I'll fly out at five am because you ask me to." You add the last one so that it doesn't feel so _heavy_ but it does anyways.

"I fell in love with you by mistake." She says back, trying to counter your point, until she realizes why your eyes are wide and what she said. She looks shocked for a couple seconds but then she looks complacent. "What are you going to do with that information, Potter?" Bitter, again.

"Nothing." You whisper.

"Nothing?"

"Well, I'll try to get you to want to be in love with me just like I want to be in love with you, but besides that I won't tell a soul. I won't do anything."

She plays with her hands before answering. "Potter. You're a good daydream. You are perfect there. You treat me well and you say the right things and you are _perfect_. So why shouldn't I keep you a daydream away?"

You don't know how to answer that. You feel like you're losing this fight again, and the happiness from earlier feels long gone. "It's not good to dwell on dreams and forget to live, Lily."

She looks at you for a second before a soft smirk went on her face. "Don't steal Dumbledore's words. You aren't as suave as him." She says, a little amused.

You smile a little wide and shake your head. You walk to her, sitting where her feet where. She hugs them to her chest again. "I'm a perfect daydream because people see me as perfect, and before you argue, you know that's true. I get a lot of pressure to be perfect, but, and here's the secret, I'm anything but. I want to be perfect for you though, and I think that should count."

She puts her chin on her knees. "It might."

You tilt your head, your eyes connected. "Depending on what?"

"I don't know if I can trust you." She answers honestly. Your flicker away from hers and you lean against the swing, making move a little.

"I understand that."

"Make me trust you, James." She whispers and you look at her, really look at her, and she looks gorgeous and sad and beautiful and like a painting still.

"Okay." You nod. "How?" you ask after a second, smiling apologetically. She shrugs, lips pressed together. "Okay." You bite your lip before thinking of the obvious. "Let me take you out this summer. Do some stuff just the two of us? I'll take you to my home. I'll introduce you to my parents. Hang out with the lads. Get the girls. We can talk. I'll tell you whatever you want."

"And what happens when summers over?"

"What?"

"What happens when summers over and suddenly there are people everywhere and they want to know _how you got Lily Evans_ and _are you shagging her_ _and when is her time up and mine begin, James_?"

You look at her hard for a couple seconds. "I won't make the same mistakes, Lily. I promise." You try to make it sound sincere, and you are sincere. You just hope she believes you.

She bites her lip. "I hope you're not playing me, James." She whispers. You sigh and lean your head against the swing, looking at her sadly.

"I won't. Believe me."

She presses her lips together again. "I'll try." She eventually says. You nod and sit better on the swing, before reaching for her. She struggles for a second with the blanket but eventually falls into your arms, allowing you to encase her in your chest.

"I want to get into your heart the right way this time, Lily." You whisper in her ear. You pause a second as she nods. "Will you go out with me this Friday?"

She hesitates but eventually you hear her voice say, "Yes."

**LJ**

**Hope you liked it. I know it was sad. This is my first foray into HP/LJ fiction in a while, so I hope you like it. Review?**


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